I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
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Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
he looks great for his age
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!