*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
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I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.