*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
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Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Jurassic park gets weird
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.