*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
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I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Money is the root of all wealth
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else