*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
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There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.