[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
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I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
when nothing goes right… go left
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all