*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
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I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Y’all know who you are.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
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