In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
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Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.