“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
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FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset