The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
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Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?