*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
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I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]