*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
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dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.