*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
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When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal