*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
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ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Aw man, but that’s the best part
guys i’ve cracked the code
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
sry
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting