Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
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Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Not all heroes wear capes…
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.