[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
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Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”