[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
You Might Also Like
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.