*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
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*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop