In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
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The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I’m tired tomorrow.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.