Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
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wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
ready to be harvested
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*