*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
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It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?