*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
You Might Also Like
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄