[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
You Might Also Like
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction