*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
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Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
My birth announcement for our third baby
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *