*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
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I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size