Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
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Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside