Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
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Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
this has done me in for some reason
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job