A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
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Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.