Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
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Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.