@OutOfLeftField_: Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
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@KarenKilgariff: LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it's occupied
@ch000ch: [pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire] hmmm [tastes remnants] i think i'll call it... Twizzlers
@Try2StopME: Tim Cook: "We're excited to annou-" #Apple fans: "We'll buy it." Tim Cook: "Let me fini-" Apple fans: "We'll buy that too." #iPhone6
@mstluvstrinkets: "Ok, so you love kids and a clean house? Really, you don't drink but you like to drive?" Me, interviewing the perfect sister wife