[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
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Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
the saddest jazz hands ever
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing