[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
You Might Also Like
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Twitter is the new flypaper.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign