Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
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a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
🙂🐾
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?