Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
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If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
starting a garage orchestra
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?