My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
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Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
An odd boast
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Cinematography is my passion
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”