@shkeeber: Operator: 911, what's your emergency.
Me: I'm 33 and I tried to do a cartwheel.
@robfee: Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn't even have all his thumb rings off yet.
@HatfieldAnne: The orthodontist says I'm doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I'm able to put things in my mouth.
@CourtRundell: I don't drink. This means when I do karaoke, it's on purpose.
@jamisondg1: I wonder if in 100 years, ghosts of today will spell out "swag" or "bae" on the Ouija boards
@chuuew: ME: I'm as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean "ox"?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]