If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
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[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?