Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
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I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
🤣🤣💀
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture