Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
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It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]