Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
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Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what