WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
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I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
The struggle is real.
how long have you had this for?
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
dads on road-trips be like
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one