Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
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If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
*pronounces UPS like yoops
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Yup.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.