Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
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Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.