Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
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Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
This is my bus stop.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
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ʸ
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DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.