@caithuls: OPPONENT: I'm gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
@notfaizzy: waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
me: you know, no dressing.
@pleatedjeans: [school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don't know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
SINGER: How's everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I'm in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
@80want: inexplicably call ur boss "shortpants" until he gets insecure & buys pants that are longer. dont stop til he looks like a kid in dad clothes
@VerifiedJayy: Maybe the Mayans were talking about hockey