@caithuls: OPPONENT: I'm gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
@HavocMantis: *at bank*
I always think it's funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: "haha. First name?"
*Pulls out gun*
@MelvinofYork: Whenever I conduct a job interview I ask the applicant to name their favorite Muppet, and no matter the answer I scowl and shake my head.
@IMBeanz: When I'm really bored at work I like to write "I'm watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
@NicCageMatch: Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
@UnFitz: Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.