OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
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ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.