@caithuls: OPPONENT: I'm gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
@OhNoSheTwitnt: 🎶 You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I'm telling you why. Life gets worse when you're an adult. 🎶
@GrantTanaka: Wife: you're drunk
Me: no'm not
Wife: I'M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Me: ok lil bit
@Trustedshoe: [me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
@just1fool: I'd like to thank the spider that descended from the bill of my baseball cap for getting me motivated today.
@dafloydsta: ME: I’m going to stick my resolutions this year.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not stick to his resolutions. In fact, he would break every single one of them. And then some.