The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
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Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.