If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
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What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
had to share :’)
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Life with a cat in one tweet
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school