Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
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*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄