I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
You Might Also Like
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.