@iLikeCatShirts: Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn't anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
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@somecleverthing: I just had the thought "pfft. Your father can't die before you are born," and I believed it for a full minute. Because I'm smert.
@MichaelTrying: My calendar says there's a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you'd think people would be more excited.
@hipstermermaid: "My desires are... unconventional." "Show me." *opens door to a room full of memes*
@SatansTongue: Give me a massage "Mm okay" *rubs oil all over her* *things get hot* *things get too hot* *she bursts into flames* "Dang I used petroleum"