Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
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Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?