@iLikeCatShirts: Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn't anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
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@BonaFideIntent: Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk. Unless you're crossing a border. Then don't do that.
@TheBeerGuy73: Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake. I know this now.
@carlyken: Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I'm crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he's the one that's married.