Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
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me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
what day is it?
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
#NeverForget
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.