I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
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I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”