OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
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i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter